I'm a mother, and I think a pretty good one. I had a pretty darned good mother (until her death when I was barely 16), and she had an ok mother (some generational quirks, but my mother learned from them).
But what I also had, as of the age of 17, was a strange and periodically psychotic stepmother. I know, a stereotype, but true nonetheless. I'm sure my sarcastic teenaged (and grieving and shocked) tongue didn't help one bit, but she would just "lose it" and rant and rave at me, and throw things, and break things, and once she chased me with a carving knife in her hand. Afterward, her memory of those events was vague. I was too young to put a diagnosis on her behavior, I was just so shocked and unprepared for anything like it. It was only later when I lived with a bipolar roommate that I realized that my stepmother was probably bipolar, undiagnosed and untreated. Her generation just put up with those kind of quirks ("that's just the way she is....."), or locked them up and then lied about it, if they got too dangerous. I remember my sister taking me to the police station after the knife incident. We were living in a relative small city (huge compared to where I am now), but the police knew my stepmother, one had gone to high school with her, and they said "that's just the way she is....she'll get over it and she won't hurt you." Great support huh? My father said he was "too old" to start over - he was in his early 50's, but his generation didn't admit mistakes, they just lived with them. His solution? I had just started college at a nearby school, but made up my mind about attending too late to get into the dorms. He had his influential boss pull strings and within a day I was living in the dorms. You can imagine how my 17 year old mind processed that move - "get out of here" "you are causing trouble" "it's your fault." I vowed to never spend a night in their house again, and I almost succeeded. Unfortunately, 20 years later, I was foolish enough to spend several nights in their home when my son was about 18 months old. On the last day, she had one of her raving rants, that lasted for hours. My father did nothing (no change there). Inside I reacted the very same way I had 20 years before - adrenalin rush, heart pounding, totally freaked out wanting to flight or fight (yes, I reversed those intentionally). My outer demeanor was able to react very differently than when I was 17 - exuding calm and trying to talk her down with some limited success. I vowed again to never spend another night there, and never did. I have been able to have a superficially "ok" relationship with her since then, but always from a distance. I have amazed myself that I have maintained that superficial relationship with her over nine years since my father's death. Maybe it is even better now, because she is no longer the crazy woman keeping me from my father, but a sad old woman who misses him too. 2000 miles and over 40 years have also helped. The lies I lived because of her. When my first husband and I moved in together, I told my father; he was ok with it, kind of, but said never to tell my stepmother. Two years later we married, so it wasn't too long a delay. When my second husband and I moved in together, again I told my father, again he said not to tell her. So we lived a lie - my husband could never answer the "house" phone for fear that it would be her calling and then it would cause "problems" for my father (yes, indeed she ranted and raved at him too). We didn't marry until 11 years later, 5 years after my father died. I kept up the charade. I remember the phone calls after I moved so far away in the late 60's, in the middle of the night, just "you little bitch, stay out of our lives forever" followed by the phone slamming down. Those when on for several years. Precipitated by what? I'll never know. I don't want to know.
So what brought up this unpleasant trip down memory lane? My dear, beautiful daughter-in-law (DIL) is having problems with her mother. Her mother lives 5000 miles and several countries away, but has been visiting them for several weeks. She is somewhat unstable, and sometimes not completely connected to reality, but can function most of the time, especially when she is in her own culture. She's been pushing my son and DIL to purchase a house, seeing it as a status symbol. My son is still in graduate school until Spring, and my DIL is almost 20 weeks pregnant. They are happy in their apartment, and don't need the additional stressors of purchasing a home and moving. Plus, the second wave a foreclosures has barely begun, the market hasn't hit bottom, so it's not the best time to buy. Several days ago, her mother called and was essentially threatening to take the baby away after it is born, and raise it in that other country because their apartment isn't big enough - and my DIL could see her baby through internet connections. My sweet DIL reacted similarly to how I reacted to my stepmother, VERY upset inside. Not really surprising. Not good for her or the baby inside her. I remember those reactions. So last night I talked with them, and tried to help them come to terms with the lack of reality to her mother's comments. She has no legal rights to that infant (they aren't ever going to leave her alone with their infant). They will be wonderful parents, or as wonderful as any parents are able to be. Babies don't come with user's manuals, never have, never will. They are adults, and will make the decision about upgrading their living space when it is more convenient for their situation.
Helping them made me realize once again how different we all are, how different our parenting was for us, how different our parenting is to our kids. Some of it was great, some of it was awful. Luckily seeking help through counseling is now common and accepted. They will be fine - no one ever said living would be easy.
Until next time.
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