Long time, no write

I just haven’t been in the mood to write anything for such a long time.  Maybe I’m a little overwhelmed, maybe a little depressed, maybe a little bored with myself.  I’m not sure which, maybe all of the above to some extent.

Anything I can write about my personal struggles, with my health, with my grief, sounds so self-centered, egotistical and whining, so insignificant compared to the events happening in the world.  How can I be upset about not sleeping well?  I have an intact home with a warm bed and a warm man to share it with – when millions of people have been suddenly, painfully, wrenched from their homes, never to return because they are muddy rubble or infused with radiation, knowing their loved ones will never return, or not knowing where they are (lost in the rubble, washed out to sea??).  How can I complain about the medications I’m on and their side effects – at least I have access to my medications and adequate health care.  There could be millions going without their needed medications, and more importantly going without food and water.  How can I still be distraught about losing Liam two months ago when entire extended families may only have one person remaining to remember them – or all are gone?  The whole world is grieving, or should be.

And that’s only one part of the world.  The middle east is a mess again.  What started as a “peoples’ revolt” to achieve freedom has ended up as a civil war in another country – with the US and its allies exploding missiles on their land to support the “rebels.”  And, of course, it is so possible that in a decade or two, we will be trying to rid that very country of those very rebels because they have become brutal dictatorships.  Have we not learned anything?

So here I am, sitting at my dining room table with my laptop, looking out on a windy, dusty red rock paradise as a front blows through.  A “frozen mix” is expected later today as March blows out like a lion.  I should count my blessings.  But somehow I can’t.

A Sad Day

Yesterday was a sad day.  Initially I was sad because it was the first day of yet another month in which my beautiful grandson would not be alive.  So the day started off with sad tears.  Will each new month be like this, or will those feelings diminish as April, May, June, etc., arrive? 

A short while later I drove up the canyon to visit the bald eagle(s).  I have a new camera with higher optical zoom so I had fun taking his/her picture (I only saw one of the pair).  Then I drove further up the canyon and took a few scenery shots.  By the time I got back home an hour later I was feeling somewhat better, but still out of sorts.

In the early afternoon I drove to a hard surface road so I could take a walk.  Our road is too muddy, and probably will be for a while.  I’ve been listening to audio books when I walk, when I sleep, when I drive, to help turn my brain away from perseverating about things over which I have no control.  The walk was good, but right at the end, when I was almost to my car, there was a phrase in my audio book that referred to the joy experienced when a mother looks at her newborn child, and I was back to being sad, almost crying.

When I got home I was sitting in my recliner, reading my book, almost falling asleep, when my dog made a strange sound, which stimulated an adrenaline release, which threw me into afib.  Not surprising that my heart acted up given what an emotional day it had been to that point.  A cool shower, and 15 minutes later I was back in normal sinus rhythm – thankful for such a short episode. 

Then the kicker for the day – our neighbors called at 5pm to tell us that they had to have their horse euthanized.  He had been sick with colic for almost four days, but appeared to be feeling better yesterday morning.  Then he very quickly deteriorated (probably twisted his gut – a generally fatal event for horses) and was in extreme agony.  They asked if my husband could help bury him.  I went over to be with the wife, while the two men took care of that sad task.  She was distraught – it was her favorite horse (they have two others) and they had him every day of his 26 years – they had brought him into the world since he was born to one of their mares.  It is also the horse that my husband learned to ride on last summer and fall, so he was definitely feeling the loss.  She and I had a very nice, sad two hours, talking about her horses, my grandson, our mothers, etc., etc., and had some good cries together.  When we got home I finished off the evening with another sobbing, sad cry in my husband’s arms. 

Today I feel better, it is one of those “not so bad” days, so I must have needed the sad, tear-filled day.  I’m sure there will be more….