Hurt Feelings

It’s so easy to have your feelings hurt or to hurt others, so often without even realizing it.  It is worse when you are stressed or already upset about something else.  And I have so many reasons to be stressed and/or upset.   The prednisone has made me half crazy.  Even though I’m finally on a mid- to low-dose, I still feel like I have hair-trigger reactions to stressors.  I can often catch myself, knowing it is “the medication” and rationalize myself out of my quick negative reactions, but sometimes I just can’t seem to stop it.  And grieving for Liam has magnified those reactions – I can be fine one minute, and sobbing the next.  

But I am hurt more, and upset more, when I know I have hurt others, no matter how unintentionally.  Teasing can be fun and my son and I do a lot of it.  But there is a fine line between teasing or trying to be funny, and coming too close to the sensitive reality of a situation.  I crossed the line – twice.  The first time I didn’t even realize it.  My son will graduate with his master’s degree in a month, and is job hunting.  I’m trying to be the voice of reason, with a teasing overtone, that it isn’t going to be easy in this economy to find the right position.  But I crossed the line, and pissed him off.  That was several days ago.  Then last night I made a comment, again teasing but crossing the line, about “that’s what a good husband would do” and that was the final straw.  My son is a good husband, probably one of the best.  He is already very stressed about the job hunt, very stressed about keeping “things” together (being a man) after the death of his son, very stressed about providing loving support to his grieving wife, and I hit him, twice, in a sensitive spot.  I’m the one who is hoping to help make things better (for lack of a better word) for my wonderful son and daughter-in-law, and I inadvertently aimed for and hit the jugular.  I apologized and told them that it wouldn’t happen again (at least those particular targets), and hung up and started crying, and crying, and crying.  Then my husband made a comment about “why do you always move things” (which I do in my OCD way), and I started crying again, and crying and crying.  I guess I needed the release.  Instead of crying several times each day, I’ve only been crying once or twice a week.  It probably isn’t enough, and I’m letting grief build up so that it has to explode out of me.  So of course last night my heart acted up into afib for a few minutes, until a cool shower bounced me back into normal sinus rhythm.  That’s a good indicator that I’m letting the stress build instead of releasing it.

But meanwhile, “helper Mom,” “supportive Mom” turned into nasty Mom and hurt his feelings - hit him while he was already down.  My husband said, “he will get over it,” but I know it will be remembered for a while.   I’m sorry son – please remember I love you.