I haven’t felt like writing for such a long time – since my “low” of the 3 month anniversary of my grandson’s death. But two days ago it was Mother’s Day, so I must write.
Mother’s Day – a modern contrivance to sell cards and gifts and a boon for restaurants - but dating back to pagan celebrations of honoring the importance of women and mothers. It’s an important day for those of us born after the contrivance, but a sad day for those of us who have lost our mothers, or our children, or our children’s children. It is more a day of remembrance than a day of celebration for so many.
I was fortunate enough to be up in the city for my last annual professional meeting (another emotional loss) late last week, so I stayed on for several extra days to be in town with my son and daughter in law for Mother’s Day. Last Friday was also my son’s graduation from college with his Master’s Degree in applied mathematics, so it ended up being an all-purpose trip, albeit it a fairly long one away from home and my husband.
I was with “the kids” on Tuesday evening for dinner (the day I drove up), Friday afternoon and evening (graduation), a good portion of Saturday, and a good portion of Sunday. They were such good visits, I needed them so very much, but they couldn’t take away the underlying sadness that it should have been different, someone was missing. He wasn’t totally missing – Liam was in our thoughts and our hearts the whole time - but he wasn’t there to hold and hug. Early Sunday morning I awoke at ~2am from an adrenalin-producing dream and immediately went into afib. Unlike most of my recent episodes, I wasn’t able to shock myself out of the episode with a cool shower, so it lasted about 4 ½ hours. Not dangerous, but irritating, and I also had a good cry. I was still able to get some sleep so I was ready for Mother’s day at 7am. First I went shopping for a few items that are hard to find or fairly expensive in my small town, then I waited until 11am to go be with the kids. My sad emotions were still on the surface, but I was determined to be “happy” and put on a good face for the kids. It almost worked. When I got to their apartment my we exchanged cards and gifts. I had made a custom card for my daughter in law, and bought her a pendant carved from rose quartz (from Navajo merchants at an overlook on our way back from Marble Canyon). Rose quartz is a heart-healing gemstone that can be used for treating any issue that needs emotional healing. It carries a very gentle and soothing energy and gives comfort to anyone whose heart has been wounded (from a crystal health properties web site).
They gave me a beautiful card, and then best of all a small knitted stuffed turtle, made by my daughter in law. It could not have been a more perfect gift. I have so much wanted something to cuddle, something to hold onto, when I am sad and/or crying. Turtles are my major totem (snakes are my minor totem) and I have many porcelain, metal, carved, etc., turtles in my collection. I now have this beautiful, handmade cuddly stuffed turtle to soothe my pain and keep me company in my sadness and my joy. I named him Pebbles. I held onto him last night, until I lost him sometime during my sleep (he was between the bed and the nightstand this morning). Now he is on my pillow. So cute, so appreciated, so needed.
After a nice brunch on Mother’s Day we were somewhat bored, so we hit a few stores. Unfortunately, we teased my son too much about one of his recent splurges (undoubtedly fueled by his grief), and he got testy, then he snapped at me, then I got sad and upset. When we got back to their apartment I burst into tears and I had a long, good cry, with us holding onto each other. I really needed it. Then we watched some youtube UFO stuff (most weird), had a wonderful dinner of leftover stew, then went to see a silly but fun semi-scifi movie at the dollar theaters. The movie was called Paul – and we all had some good laughs. It ended up being a good day, although a sad day. I drove home early yesterday morning to my wonderful paradise and my loving husband.
Another milestone has been passed – our first mother’s day after our recent loss. We survived. There will be more milestones, and we will survive those also.
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