A storm front is coming through soon, so it is very windy, with big clouds racing across the sky. It’s very uncomfortable to be outside – even though the temperature isn’t too cold, the wind makes it too chilly to want to walk.
The weather matches my emotional state. I’ve cried several times already today – once while driving up a canyon to see “my” bald eagles, and the other a long, desperate session a half hour after I got home from the drive. I apparently needed the release, the cleansing action of tears today, and more than just a sad gentle cry.
I keep being haunted by what should be happening at this time of this month in this year. Liam’s due date was last Thursday. I was planning to stay up in the city from just before his birth until 10 - 14 days after. But instead, here I am, at home, no grandson, no joy, and lots of grief. I’m trying to keep busy, but that isn’t working very well. Thanks to the prednisone and its associated side effects, there is only so much I can do. So I’m reading, listening to audio books, taking walks weather permitting, writing in my blog, but not much else. Thanks to my heart being irritable I am hesitant to take long trips in my car (even though I drove ~700 miles last weekend). My brain is still a bit fuzzy, so my Spanish lessons via rosetta stone aren’t working very well, and I’ve mostly stopped those for now. I jammed the knuckle of my right hand index finger a week ago, and reinjured it yesterday, so playing my flute is out until it feels better. Whine, whine, whine!!!!
I’m just feeling down today. I do better on sunny days. It’s going to be storming on and off for about a week, so I’d better get used to this.
I will get better, feel better, it will just take some more time. Time….
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