Stillbirth – NO blaming, NO guilt, NO failure

One of the first things my beautiful daughter-in-law said to my son (and to my friend, and to me) when she found out her baby had died, was “I feel like a failure.”  This beautiful young woman who did everything right, both before and during her pregnancy, to ensure a good outcome – and she feels like a failure…  What can be said to her to let her know she isn’t a failure?  There wasn’t anything she could have done to save Liam, and there wasn’t anything she did that led to his death.  It just happened.  She is such a success – she has now endured one of the most painful emotional injuries possible – the loss of a child.  And she will survive.  It will take a long time, it won’t be the slightest bit easy, it will be rocky, there will be ups and downs, but she will survive.  

Fortunately we don’t see any blaming or placing of guilt in their relationship, by each other or by other family members.  Family and friends and be supportive, and they can be so cruel and stupid.  We are lucky.  Her only potential threat (for placing blame or guilt) is her mother – who has been instructed to not have any contact at all (and she better listen!!).  

So next time you are offering your “words of wisdom” to a woman who has miscarried or had a stillbirth, pay attention to what you say.  Don’t try to find causes that could place blame, don’t try to make her feel guilty (even inadvertently), and don’t let her feel like a failure.  And don’t ask her when she will try to have another child.  You can’t replace the dead child with another child – and it is disrespectful to ignorantly suggest that.  Just say “I’m so sorry; I’m told there is no greater loss than losing a child.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”  Then shut up