Looking for an Urn

I had a good phone conversation with my grieving children yesterday evening.  They both opened up somewhat about their feelings of loss, mostly likely related to receiving Liam’s ashes the day before.  The ashes make the nightmare of the past four weeks real – a reality shock that we wish we could erase. 

In the split second each time I awake during the night, between the haze of sleep and the reality of wakening, the last month hasn’t happened.  Then my brain clears, and it all comes back.  I endure this several times each night (I don’t sleep well) and every morning.  I wish I could hold onto the haze, hold onto what should have been.  But that never works – reality intrudes, sadness follows.  I remember a vivid dream during the first week after Liam died; in the dream we were a happy family with a healthy baby grandson, and then the dream tears started, and I was crying out over and over again, “this is the way it’s supposed to be, this is the way it’s supposed to be.”  I’m glad that dream was a one time event.

When I spoke with my children I asked if Liam’s ashes had come in an urn.  But they didn’t.  I asked if they were going to look for an urn, and on the previous night’s conversation it sounded like they would.  Last night it sounded like looking for an urn would be too overwhelming when added to the harsh reality of actually having his ashes.  I offered to look for the urn, they both seemed relieved to have someone else, someone they trust, take care of that task. 

I have now looked at what seems like 1000 different styles of infant/children cremation urns on line.  There were a few that I really liked, but I want to find the RIGHT one for my dear grandson, for my beautiful children.  We also called the local mortuary in our small town, but they would have to order one (luckily they don’t have much demand for small urns in this small town).  We asked them about local artisans, and they recommended a woodworker who has a shop about 20 miles north of here.  My husband worked on their computer about a year ago, so he knows the wife.  Next week we will take a trip up there to see if we can have a small wooden urn designed and made.  If that doesn’t pan out, there is a custom casket maker another 30 miles north who might be able to make an urn.  And then there is always the internet.