The Dream Before

Here’s the dream:

One of my best friends is giving birth.  Pretty strange, I think in my dream, because my best friend has had a hysterectomy, and it should have been my daughter-in-law giving birth since she is almost 37 weeks pregnant. 

Jump without transition to the next scene, as dreams do.  I am holding the baby walking in the hallway of the hospital.  He is now definitely my grandson, not my friend’s baby.  He isn’t wrapped in a baby blanket, his chest is naked, which is unusual, and although he is small he seems to be much more mature than a newborn, holding his head upright.  He is making baby noises, but I hear them in my head as English.  I even say to those around me (who are nebulous dream people, not recognized) “can you hear it?  He is making baby noises but it is coming through as English?”  I wish I remember what he was saying… Quickly the baby becomes very restless, and tries to pull from my arms – upward towards the ceiling, towards the sky.  I’m afraid I will drop him and try to hold on, but can’t.  Then I remember what he is saying “I have to go, I have to go, I can’t stay.”  Then he pulls away/disappears – sudden and unclear, as is typical in dreams.

I wake up gasping but not upset, thinking what a strange, strange dream.  It was about 3am when I awoke.  I got back to sleep, but the dream stayed with me, not the usual fade away of strange dreams.

It was late that afternoon of the dream that my daughter-in-law called to say she had felt no movement all day, that there was no heartbeat when they got to the hospital, that our beloved infant had died. 

I strongly believe that he died around 3am, that he came to tell me he had to go.  I wish he could have told me why he had to go, but I guess that is asking for too much.

During the pregnancy, I also strongly believe that he “visited” me several times – really freaking me out the first two times.  The first was when he was at the “tadpole” stage.  It was almost morning, and I felt half asleep, half awake.  Suddenly there was a vision, for lack of a better word, of a somewhat round, strange looking thing, almost like a balloon, with a small tadpole-like thing floating inside close to one edge.  I had the feeling of “I’m here.”  Then I awoke with a start.  I thought about it, and then googled what a fetus would look like at my daughter-in-law’s gestation stage.  Exactly what I saw.

Four weeks later it happened again, but this time I was taking an afternoon nap on my recliner in the living room.  Again, a vision, this time an “alien” looking creature with a big head, small body, arms and legs.  Again, a feeling of “I’m here, I’m ok.”  Again, startled awake, and googling what it (didn’t know gender then) would look like at the gestational stage.  Again, exactly what I saw.

This happened one or two more times, but then I was put on prednisone and my brain was cut off from everything, including myself.  No more visions, until the last.

Do I believe I had communication with my grandchild while he was gestating?  Yes.  Does it make what happened, e.g., his death, any easier?  No, but perhaps a bit of comfort, particularly from the final contact.   I really think he came to say goodbye.  I wish I had realized it at the time and been able to pay more attention.

Many who read this will think I’m crazy, but there is so much we don’t know about our minds and our world.  Is this so very different from believing in a supreme being?  I guess I’ll never know….